


sick of losing soulmates

by Jenhoney



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insecure Im Changkyun | I.M, Love Confessions, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Songfic, Teen Romance, both were in bad relationships before they met
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-17 06:37:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17555258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenhoney/pseuds/Jenhoney
Summary: Jooheon was a strange thing. He had seemed like a well-put-together boy, with good grades and plenty of friends and a sweet mother, but he wasn't. He had been tutored a lot by a classmate before Changkyun enrolled, he didn't have many friends because people deemed him weird, his mother was overwhelmingly kind with a heart of gold, yet it was cracked. Jooheon, too, was cracked, the result of a situation Changkyun knew well. He remembered Jooheon telling him the whole story a few months into their friendship, the two of them curled up on the boy's bed, his eyes red and wet as he told Changkyun. He was just like Changkyun, had been through so much, yet he was still soft. His eyes were still light, his smile still bright, his hands still open, his heart still giving. He was a superglued human of proof that someone could come out stronger in a bad situation. He was a strange thing, yet Changkyun had never seen someone so beautiful.alternatively: in a world where soulmates are a hope instead of a given, Changkyun finds his in Jooheon after so many almost-soulmates.





	sick of losing soulmates

Soulmates were a necessity in society, yet no one seemed to know who theirs was. There were no tattoos scarring their skin, there were no bright flashes of light or moments of realization, nothing that drew the other person closer and closer still, there was absolutely nothing. It was a blind guess, a futile hope, based solely around the desire for someone made just for them, with a smile to set their hearts aflutter and a tender brush of skin against skin to assure that _you're understood_ , that _someone is there_ and _they've gone through this, too_. 

 

Reality was, everyone would settle. They'd settle for the person that made their heart speed up just a little, they'd settle for the person who didn't quite understand, but they'd still sit next to them and wipe away their tears, and settle for calling that their soulmate. They were never overwhelmingly beautiful, never gave them that smile that made their entire being radiate with exclamation marks with confidence that allows them to shout deep from their chests that _you're the one I've waited for!!!_ Instead, they called someone who wasn't their soulmate theirs, and wasted away being moderately happy, content with not being alone in the world. 

 

Changkyun, at only the age of 17, knew this well. He'd believed he'd met his soulmate several times, eagerly jumping into a relationship with them until he realized that, of course, his heart spoke too soon, his mind too excited by the stories he'd been told throughout his life, about how wonderful it was to meet your soulmate. It never turned out that way, he knew. He knew it after he moved from America to Korea with his parents, enrolling in school in the middle of senior year, just after the second semester began. His Korean was rusty, even after weeks of practicing. He stuttered through introducing himself, stumbled to his seat in the classroom, and kept his head low, not allowing himself to meet eyes with someone that could sweep him away, that could give him a false hope of being his soulmate. Maybe he would finish the year quietly. Keep to himself. He didn't want a repeat of what had happened just before he left. 

 

"Your name was Im Changkyun, right?" A boy asked after class ended, standing up with his bag in hand and striding over to Changkyun's desk, quick, easy, confident. He had wide-rimmed glasses and tanned skin, a cheeky dimpled grin and a slightly crumpled uniform; his eyes shifted side to side slightly. He seemed timid, too. Wary. As if he'd been burned after doing this exact thing once before. His body language screamed something entirely different from what his gaze whispered. 

 

"Mmm," Changkyun hummed in confirmation, his head ducked as he searched the boy's eyes. Something inside of himself told him that this boy had the same issues he did; the same issues he had before he up and left America with his mom while his dad stayed. He shifted in his seat, hearing chair legs scrape against the floor as some people left, eager to leave school grounds before they ran into exes or enemies. Others stood and stretched, slowly packing their bags and walking out sluggishly, waiting for friends or significant others. He faintly heard a girl two seats behind him speaking animatedly about her soulmate. He didn't have to see her to imagine the light in her eyes. 

 

"I'm Lee Jooheon. It's alright if I just call you Changkyun, right? I don't really like calling people by full names or surnames, you know? How old are you?" The boy, Jooheon, chatted politely, his smile mellowing into something softer, more comfortable. He shifted his weight to one foot, the other raised slightly, just enough to bounce it. "Wanna grab something to eat together? My mom owns this really cozy restaurant, I work there sometimes." 

 

Changkyun wasn't sure why he nodded to the boy, already grabbing his stuff and shoving it in his bag. "Go ahead, I don't mind," he answered, albeit late. He stood after a moment, the movement sluggish and awkward. Their eyes didn't quite meet when they stood, Jooheon barely taller than him. "I'm 17." 

 

Jooheon's eyes lit up, his hand gripping Changkyun's wrist lightly, tugging at it a few times before he turned. "I'm 18. I turn 19 in October." 

 

"I'll turn 18 in January," Changkyun provided, his bag slung awkwardly over his shoulder as he tried not to trip on his own feet following the strange boy. 

 

Seeing the tender half smile still teasing the corner of Jooheon's lips, Changkyun had to wonder if he imagined the look in the boy's eyes. The look of someone who'd been bitten before, who'd been stabbed in the back and left alone in a dark room, like Changkyun. Maybe he had imagined it, an unconscious and selfish desire to find someone his age that was jaded, too, hurt and bitter and hesitant to trust again. He felt sick with himself, knowing that perhaps, that was the case. Jooheon was a sweet boy. Changkyun hoped he'd never been hurt the same way. He didn't deserve it. 

 

"You don't mind the cold, do you?" Jooheon asked before they stepped outside, looking over at Changkyun with a slightly raised brow. 

 

Changkyun looked down at his uniform, humming thoughtfully. He froze once or twice in the classroom, but he didn't particularly mind it. At least, not enough to made an issue of it. He didn't want to burden Jooheon anymore than he already has. He shook his head. 

 

"Great, because I do, and I'm running. Stay close if you don't wanna get left behind," Jooheon said with a grin, his eyes narrowed mischievously. He tugged on the blazer of his uniform, pulling it inwards enough to fasten the buttons. "Ready?" 

 

"Uh," Changkyun started, seeing Jooheon already in a position to sprint, as if he had been in track before the cold weather hit. Changkyun distantly wondered if he'd be friends with Jooheon when track started again, if he'd let Changkyun cheer him on. He shook himself from his thoughts, mimicking Jooheon's posture. "Yeah, I think so." 

 

"If you get left behind, just stay on the path I take, I'll backtrack and pick you up when I'm warmer," Jooheon teased, a laugh bubbling in his throat before he took off. His long black curls were brushed back by the chill of the wind, the doors shutting slowly. He'd shouldered them open, straight in the middle. Must've hurt. 

 

Changkyun followed shortly after, though he stumbled a bit at the start. Running like a trackstar was definitely easier said than done, and he scolded himself for all the times he thought it couldn't be _that_ hard using the ground to push off and sprint. He also scolded himself for considering dancing to girl group songs as exercise. His chest definitely hurt now, and he'd only been running for two or three minutes. He blamed himself for holding his breath while he watched Jooheon and charging before actually breathing. He followed short glimpses of bouncing curls and the sound of Jooheon's textbooks shifting loudly in his backpack, the bag itself jumping each time Jooheon's foot hit the pavement. 

 

"We're here!" Jooheon shouted once they reached a quaint little restaurant, the exterior a dark wood. It didn't look too impressive in comparison to more expensive restaurants, but the windows were large enough to see inside; it was more like a home than a restaurant. Changkyun decided he liked this more than fancy restaurants. "I live next door, so I'll just bring the food there. You can come inside with me, if you want." 

 

"Yeah, I'll stay with you," Changkyun mumbled, his hand reaching to hold Jooheon's wrist lightly before they walked inside. The restaurant looked small from outside, but it was much bigger inside. Fairy lights were draped along the walls. An older woman with a kind smile and round cheeks caught his eye. She smiled at him before her gaze drifted. She had dimples. 

 

"Jooheonie!" She called out, looking down to bow at an older man with a kind smile, before she scurried over, her arms wrapping around Jooheon's shoulders in a bear hug. Jooheon's wrist slipped from Changkyun's grip. 

 

"Hi mom," Jooheon murmured, turning his head just enough to press a kiss to her forehead. He shifted just enough to bring a hand up to push her bangs behind her ear. He gave her a fond smile. "How's work?" 

 

"It's great as always, sweetheart. I was talking to Mr. Kim about how helpful you are. He thinks you're such a great son, Jooheonie," his mother cooed, backing up just enough to pat Jooheon's cheeks, to squish them together. "How was school?" 

 

"It was normal. I made a friend, though," Jooheon responded, a lilt in his voice. 

 

Changkyun realized a cue when it was given to him. He bowed just as Jooheon stepped back to introduce him, lips already raised in a polite smile. "Hi, ma'am. I'm Im Changkyun," he said softly, raising to look at her. 

 

"Ah, hello! A friend, that's wonderful!" She said happily, her hands cupping Changkyun's cheeks. They were warm. "Don't be shy, Changkyun! Our home is your home, so please come anytime you'd like! What would you like to eat?" 

 

Jooheon's cheeks were red as he raised a hand to Changkyun's shoulder, pulling him free from his mom's touch. "Mom, I only met him today, don't scare him off." 

 

"Ah, no, it's okay-" 

 

"Jooheonie, this boy has clearly gone through something. Don't you see that look in his eyes? He's such a soft boy, I can already see it. I don't think kindness can scare him off, could it?" She turned her gaze to Changkyun as she spoke, the smile on her lips soft. 

 

Changkyun reddened. "Of course not. I'm grateful you're so kind to me." He didn't realize he was so transparent. 

 

"Can you just make us something to eat, please? I'm tired of this uniform," Jooheon requested with a lopsided grin, pulling his mom into another hug. 

 

"Of course. Give Changkyun something to wear too. Imagine how uncomfortable it is for him!" 

 

~

 

"You didn't actually have to," Changkyun mumbled as he pulled a white sweater over his head. The sweatpants he borrowed fell just a little below his hips. He tugged them back up and tied them before he turned to Jooheon. He flushed at the sight of a sliver of Jooheon's waistline. 

 

"Oh really? I didn't have to? Good, I'm glad, but I wanted to." Jooheon turned to Changkyun with a lopsided grin, settling down on his bed and pulling his knees up to make space for Changkyun. 

 

Changkyun nodded as he sat near Jooheon's feet, carefully pulling the boy's legs straight until they rested over his own. "Thank you." 

 

"Was my mom right?" 

 

"About what?" 

 

"You having gone through something." 

 

Changkyun paused, his lips pursed. He realized he'd never spoken of it. He wondered if talking about it made it feel better. He nodded. 

 

"What did you go through?" Jooheon asked softly, moving closer to Changkyun. He bent his knees, his arms wrapped under his thighs. 

 

"Well, a lot," Changkyun admitted, resting his chin on Jooheon's knees. It wasn't comfortable, but it did feel as if they were closer. He stayed. 

 

"Wanna talk about it?" 

 

Changkyun didn't know why that question felt as if it broke something inside him. He wondered if it was because he'd never heard it spoken so softly, so carefully. He nodded. 

 

Jooheon waited. Patiently. His eyes were tender. 

 

Taking a deep breath, Changkyun spoke. He spoke of his doubt in soulmates and his bitterness, spoke of the abusive relationship he'd been in just before leaving the United States, about all of his almost-soulmates and his used-to-be's. He told him about how he'd lost his voice, lost his hope, lost his friends. Everything taken by one boy with a silver tongue. Everything taken from one boy who'd lost his tongue. He told him about the sleepless nights, about all the fights, about the dark room he'd locked himself in because _what was the point?_ He told him about the promises, the blind trust, the raw lies, the knife that was carved just for him - about how he'd been left to bleed alone because _what was the point?_ He told this boy, this bright-eyed, curly haired boy with a dimpled grin and a soft voice everything he'd never said, everything that he shoved into a box and hoped to leave in Boston but couldn't because _what was the point_ of leaving the past in the past if it was all his fault in the first place? Maybe if he'd been better, maybe if he didn't mess up, maybe if he'd just done as he'd asked because _what was the point_ in fighting against the person you loved if it meant losing them- 

 

"No," Jooheon said softly, his fingers running through Changkyun's hair as he fought back tears, as his hand clenched around nothing, as his voice quivered and shook as he blamed himself for _just not being good enough_. 

 

"No?" Changkyun echoed, weak, cautious. His head throbbed from holding everything in, even now. 

 

"No. You were too good," Jooheon whispered, his fingers still moving slowly, rhythmically, through Changkyun's hair. They were careful, as if his fingers were moving along something fragile. 

 

"What?" 

 

"You weren't the issue. You were never the issue. I've been in a situation like that. I was in love with someone, so in love I didn't realize that they were more infatuated with hurting me than they were with loving me. I didn't realize they were the issue. I thought it was me. I stayed up every night wondering how I could be better for them, how I could deserve them. It was stupid. I was stupid." Jooheon's fingers fell from Changkyun's hair, moving to his back and rubbing it in circles. "I stopped believing in soulmates, too. It's impossible for someone to be made for you. Why would one human be the one? It's selfish for everyone to think they're so important. The world doesn't care about anyone." The bitter smile on his lips, the sadness in his eyes, made Changkyun feel sick. 

 

"I got sick of losing soulmates. You can't really lose a soulmate if you don't think of someone as one anyway, right?" Changkyun spat out, though his heart clenched. 

 

"Instead of expecting one to show up, you have to make a soulmate of your own," Jooheon said with a sigh, shifting again. His shoulder brushed Changkyun's. His legs stretched out over Changkyun's lap. 

 

Changkyun rested his head on Jooheon's shoulder, taking a deep breath. He didn't realize tears were cascading down his cheeks and soaking Jooheon's shirt. 

 

~ 

 

"Happy birthday," Jooheon whispered as he knelt in front of Changkyun after class, chin resting on Changkyun's thighs. 

 

"Get up, someone's gonna think you're doing something dirty," Changkyun scolded lightly, zipping his backpack with a quiet huff. He blushed at the thought of Jooheon actually doing something inappropriate. 

 

"At least take me to dinner before such a suggestion!" Jooheon gasped, his hand on his chest as he fell back to his heels in a squat. "And ask me to be your boyfriend afterwards!"

 

Changkyun nudged Jooheon with the toe of his shoe, making him fall back. He stood up quickly. 

 

Jooheon stared up at him, palms on the floor, legs spread. "Well, this is even dirtier," he pointed out. 

 

Changkyun flushed, gripping Jooheon's arm and pulling him to his feet. "Girls are giggling, brat," he whispered, hand sliding to Jooheon's before walking out. 

 

"Do you have a crush on one of the girls?" Jooheon questioned, lips lowered in a frown. "You promised you'd grow old with me." 

 

"I don't have a crush on one of the girls, idiot. I'm gay," Changkyun scolded, turning to walk backwards, watching Jooheon. He kept Jooheon's hand in a tight grip. 

 

"Good, I don't have to go to jail fighting a girl over my best friend." Jooheon gave a solemn nod, his free hand raising to take Changkyun's. "Not that I wouldn't fight a guy, either." 

 

Changkyun chuckled under his breath, hiding the small smile threatening his lips. He had no intention of giving Jooheon the satisfaction. "Relax, I wouldn't date anyone anyway." I'd rather date you, he thought, though he would never speak it. He'd lose Jooheon too, knowing his luck. 

 

"I wouldn't either," Jooheon agreed, the smile returning to his face. "We'll grow old together, right?" 

 

"Yeah, of course," Changkyun responded with a low chuckle, allowing Jooheon to lead him out the door. 

 

"Where are we heading, birthday boy?" 

 

"Home," Changkyun breathed, nudging his head in the direction of Jooheon's house. "It's empty at my place. Mom's packing. She's moving back to the US to be with my dad." 

 

"Where are you staying?" 

 

"Alone in that place, I guess. I refused to go back to the US. There's nothing there for me. Too many bad memories," Changkyun gave a shrug as he spoke, swinging their hands loosely between them. 

 

"You won't be alone, you know. I'll come all the time with my mom's cooking. Every day. I'll stay with you, too, on nights that I don't have a shift." Jooheon nudged Changkyun lightly, his thumb brushing along Changkyun's hand. 

 

"Thank you, Jooheonie," Changkyun murmured with a small smile. "Let's go, your mom's bibimbap is the best, and I want it fresh." 

 

"Race you?" 

 

"Oh, you're on!" 

 

~ 

 

Changkyun supposed it shouldn't have come as a surprise to him when he'd fallen in love with Jooheon. It was never a sudden thing, never a quick realization and an _oh!_ and that be the end, a happy end. It was everything that a soulmate wasn't told to be, everything Changkyun had grown to despise. He didn't wake up with his thoughts suddenly rushing into a stream of poetry, a profound proclamation that Jooheon was the one. It was gradual, slow, natural. He woke up thinking of Jooheon, about what they'd do that day, about how he would embarrass himself just to make Changkyun laugh, about how Changkyun would embarrass himself to make Jooheon laugh, to make him roll his eyes with a fond smile. It wasn't like a dam nor a waterfall. Loving Jooheon was like a gentle stream, following one smooth path to his heart and filling it. 

 

"Changkyunnie? Are you watching the movie?" Jooheon whispered into Changkyun's ear, his eyes more focused on the boy rather than the large screen in front of them. 

 

Changkyun could faintly hear a couple kissing a few rows back. He hoped they wouldn't get more risky. "Yeah," he lied, glancing at Jooheon with a small smile. He heard the woman let out a noise, sounding like it was forced through her nose. He shifted uncomfortably. 

 

"Wanna leave?" Jooheon questioned, already leaning closer, a smile tugging at his lips. "This movie blows and you know it." 

 

He wasn't wrong. The movie was awful, a cheesy romance film that fit every high school love trope in existence. He didn't follow the plot, but he did hate that he related with the side lead. He fell in love with the female lead before anyone else, when she was still a mess, so why did the rich guy deserve her more? Changkyun pitied the man. He hoped he wasn't a secondary male lead. "Yeah, let's go." 

 

Jooheon grinned as he stood, taking Changkyun's hand and tugging him down the isle, passed the empty seats. 

 

Changkyun flinched when he heard the woman let out a particularly loud sound. He picked up their pace, just a little, until they were out of the theater. "Why do people get it on in empty theaters? I thought that was just a movie thing. Or a fanfiction thing." 

 

"You read fanfiction?" 

 

"I saw a Shrek x reader one once. I don't know how Shrek got transported into modern times, nor how he got into the theater to do said getting on, but he did it. A champion." 

 

"Changkyun, why do we let you on the internet passed three in the morning?" Jooheon questioned, brows raised high. 

 

"I don't know," Changkyun mumbled solemnly. 

 

Jooheon cackled, an ugly thing, one that attracted a few eyes, but Changkyun found it endearing. He'd even snorted. "Let's go, Sir Shrek. It's late. You said you wanted to sleep alone tonight, so I'm walking you home before it gets too dark." 

 

"I'm glad it's June," Changkyun said, grateful to wear nothing more than a short sleeved shirt and not freeze half to death. "I'm also glad we graduated alright. I'm glad your mom gave me a job." 

 

"Mom would do anything for you, idiot. She says we're soulmates." Jooheon gave a soft laugh as he turned, nudging Changkyun lightly, a smile on his lips. 

 

"You're the closest I've ever been to having one," Changkyun said with a laugh of his own, though it was forced. He didn't know why that knowledge made his heart ache. He wished his mom was right. 

 

"Are there platonic soulmates?" Jooheon wondered aloud, already lost in his own world, a few steps ahead of Changkyun. 

 

"I would assume there are," Changkyun mumbled noncommittally, wondering when it began to hurt to be called just best friend, when wanting more became needing more, when growing old as friends made him sadder than growing old as lovers. 

 

The walk was silent on Changkyun's behalf, the younger giving cut responses to Jooheon's questions or low hums, his hand loose in Jooheon's. Their goodnights were curt, too, with Changkyun giving Jooheon a one-armed hug, mumbling under his breath and fleeing inside once they parted. 

 

Changkyun watched Jooheon walk down his road, shoulders slouched and head low. He realized Jooheon probably thought he did something wrong. Changkyun felt bad, only for a moment, before his heart gave a dull throb. Jooheon was childish, but not childish enough to be upset about Changkyun leaving quickly. He probably understood. Probably reasoned it through already. _Changkyunnie doesn't feel well,_ he likely thought. He wasn't completely wrong. 

 

He definitely didn't feel well, though it wasn't a sudden sickness. It was fear and anxiety and jealousy over nothing. His head worried that what if _maybe Jooheon was his soulmate?_ What if he was letting such a thing pass by because of his own stupid bitterness? What if Jooheon was _the one_ and he was too busy being spiteful to realize it? His heart agreed, though it worried about Jooheon _leaving_ him. What would he be without Jooheon? If he hadn't met Jooheon the day he started school, feeling the eyes of strangers on their backs and still reaching out with that lopsided grin Changkyun loved so much? What if Jooheon met someone else and decided they were his soulmate, and vanished from Changkyun's life because he didn't need the possibility of someone who he once thought was his soulmate - platonic or not - hanging over his shoulder? 

 

It didn't take long for Changkyun's hand to grip his phone, Jooheon's contact on the screen. His picture was older, the boy way too close to the camera with a grin that showed all of his teeth, his eyes wide and glasses pushed up his nose, probably taken some months before. Seeing that grin and the hearts reflected in Jooheon's eyes from who knew what made Changkyun break, his eyes filling with tears and hand quivering. 

 

Jooheon was a strange thing. He seemed one thing, but he was the complete opposite. He had seemed like a well-put-together boy, with good grades and plenty of friends and a sweet mother, but he wasn't. He had been tutored a lot by a classmate before Changkyun enrolled, he didn't have many friends because people deemed him weird, his mother was overwhelmingly kind with a heart of gold, yet it was cracked. Jooheon, too, was cracked, the result of a situation Changkyun knew well. He remembered Jooheon telling him the whole story a few months into their friendship, the two of them curled up on the boy's bed, his eyes red and wet as he told Changkyun of the bruises that once littered his arms, the scars in his heart from the words he once believed. He was just like Changkyun, had been through so much, yet he was still soft. His eyes were still light, his smile still bright, his hands still open, his heart still giving. He was a superglued human of proof that someone could come out stronger in a bad situation. He was a strange thing, yet Changkyun had never seen someone so beautiful. 

 

"Hello?" A voice called out from the phone.

 

Changkyun stared down at it, unaware he had ever hit call. Jooheon's face stared back at him. "Hello?" He echoed, his eyes blank. He had fallen asleep, he was sure. This was a dream, he knew. It wouldn't hurt to come clean, even if only in a dream. 

 

"Changkyunnie? Is everything okay?" 

 

"No." 

 

"No?" Changkyun could hear the worry in Jooheon's voice as he repeated the word. 

 

"No, I'm not okay. Nothing's okay." 

 

"What's wrong?" 

 

"I'm sick of losing soulmates, Jooheonie, but every part of me thinks that you're my soulmate. Not platonically. I want to hold your hands and brush my lips along your knuckles, but I'm so scared to take that step. What would I do if you left me? If you were disgusted with me for thinking this way? Where would we begin if you even returned my feelings? What would we do?" 

 

Jooheon said nothing. Changkyun wondered if even dream-Jooheon gave up on him. 

 

"You're messed up like me though, right? I doubt you'd know how we'd start something between us. I doubt we'd win. I'm scared we'd end up like everyone else we've been with. End up alone again."

 

Silence. 

 

"I can't lose you, you know? You're all I have now. You're my very own proof that someone can be better, that things are okay after a bad situation. I know we'll grow old together, but I can't help but just think that maybe we could grow old as more than friends. I sometimes think about kissing you when you have wrinkles under your eyes and laugh lines like your mom. I don't think you're any less beautiful." Changkyun didn't wait to hear silence continue to ring through the line. "I know, it's stupid. That's why I'm saying all of this in a dream. I fell asleep after crying over you, it's stupid. I'm just sick of losing soulmates. I don't wanna lose you too." 

 

"Changkyun, do you like me?" 

 

"Yeah, I do." 

 

"Changkyun, do you want to be with me forever?" 

 

"God, yes." 

 

"Unlock your door, okay? Say this all to my face. Say it all, I don't care if it's a thousand butchered points all jumbled in a mess." 

 

"What?"

 

"I've been on my way since you called. I'm walking onto your street." 

 

Changkyun turned red. He realized he was never asleep. His eyes weren't heavy because he'd been dreaming. His head didn't spin because he was sleeping. "I'm sorry, hyung, I was-"

 

"I'm at the door." 

 

Standing, Changkyun walked to the front door, turning the lock and twisting the knob, stepping back to let Jooheon in. He wrung his fingers nervously, eyes on the ground. 

 

"You said it bravely on the phone. Say it bravely now," Jooheon said, already shutting the door behind himself and taking Changkyun's hand, leading him back into the bedroom. 

 

"It's easier to say it when you think you're dreaming," Changkyun mumbled, sitting at the head of the bed and pulling his knees to his chest. 

 

"Try," Jooheon said, sitting at Changkyun's feet and pulling them down, letting Changkyun's legs rest across his lap. 

 

"I like you," Changkyun started, voice barely above a mumble, "and I'm so grateful for you. You found me sitting in some dark room and you took my hand and pulled me out and showed me how everything isn't always bad. At some point, I fell for your bad jokes and I know we're both screwed up from the past so I don't understand how we'd begin or how we'd win if you even liked me back in the first place-" 

 

"Let's put this aside first. I like you too, Changkyunnie. Stop belittling yourself thinking I don't return those feelings. There's a reason I always tease you about things like that," Jooheon interrupted, his hand moving to run through Changkyun's hair. 

 

"What would I be without you?" Changkyun asked quietly, his shoulders slouching, his head falling back to rest on the headboard. "I'm scared it won't work out for us. I feel like you're my soulmate. Every part of me screams that you are. I want to grow old with you, I wanna watch your hair turn gray with age, I wanna make you smile for the rest of my life." 

 

Jooheon turned slightly, just enough to face Changkyun. His lips parted, and he spoke. He echoed Changkyun's words, telling him about how badly he wanted to pull Changkyun into a kiss at times and at other how he wanted to pull him close and tell him he loved him; how he wished with every part of his being to call Changkyun his and to call himself Changkyun's. He told Changkyun that he wasn't going anywhere, that he wouldn't love anyone else, that his heart was Changkyun's and Changkyun's alone. He told Changkyun about how much it hurt to shrug off his mother's words as platonic, preferring to let himself hurt inside rather than show it. 

 

Changkyun wasn't sure when he started crying, when he curled up into Jooheon's arms and cried into his chest, when he gripped Jooheon's hoodie and sobbed into his shoulder. He wasn't sure when Jooheon began to rub his back, when he began to press kisses along Changkyun's hairline, when he held Changkyun close and murmured comforting words into his skin. 

 

"I love you, Changkyunnie. I'd be happy to start a relationship with you, with my soulmate." 

 

"I love you too," Changkyun whispered through a hiccup, feeling as if a weight was lifted from his heart. The dull pain was gone from his chest, though a dull pain throbbed in his fingers. He realized he was clutching Jooheon's hoodie too tightly. He released it. "But how do we begin?" 

 

"Like this," Jooheon murmured before he pulled Changkyun into a gentle kiss. 

**Author's Note:**

> i tried to get this out before changkyun's bday ended in the us, since i was busy on his actual bday!! it got messy at the end because i haven't slept, so i'm super sorry about that!! this was inspired by [dodie's song sick of losing soulmates](https://youtu.be/b8zfHhXfkfM) so give that a listen too!! it's a lovely song!! scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/jenhoney100?lang=en) and i'll try to get back to you when school isn't too busy!! i hope you enjoyed this mess!!


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